Flash Back 2022

It is a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year.

And yet, in my own window, it always feels there is sameness.

I started receiving Seasons Greetings cards in early December and realized mine were not prepared.

Day after day, I had put the project onto my to-do list, reported it, and there it was: another year when I would have missed the accepted cultural deadline.

Oh well, never mind. I have used the same excuse for the past twenty-five years and will continue to claim this is my Frenchness that allows me a full month of second chances as the tradition in my birth country is to greet everyone with a “Bonne année !” and good wishes for the year to come during the entire month of January.

Here is a digest of our past year 2022 with images and snippets of what our lives have been like during those twelve months. I hope you will enjoy it!

January 2022

L’hiver et la saison des blizzards ne nous empêchent jamais de trouver que la vie est belle. Repas typique de M. Ziti, tout sera dégusté dans la joie. 

Even though Winter brings blizzards to where we live, we love life. A typical lunch for my autistic son at home is always the source of endless joy!

As for me, January is the time to review the past year and set my goals for the coming one.

February 2022

Le manège, c’est une fois par mois, qu’il pleuve, qu’il vente ou pas. On reste masqués, plus par habitude que par nécessité, il n’y a pas grand monde comme vous pouvez le constater sur la photo. 

On quittera le masque dans quelques mois, je crois, quand les gouverneurs lèveront les obligations. 

J’ai décidé d’arrêter définitivement si possible de me faire embrasser à l’américaine, une étreinte que t’imposent des gens avec qui tu n’as aucune intimité et je ne m’en porte pas plus mal du tout. 

M. Zebu m’appellera bouleversé le jour de l’invasion de l’Ukraine pour une longue conversation à propos de l’avenir. 

Rain, snow, or shine, the reward of going to the Carousel at the Danbury Mall is still a thing, once a month. In February, we were still mandated to wear a mask inside, not for fear of people around as you can tell in the picture.

I have also decided that I will keep away from hugs. I never enjoyed them anyway, when given by people who are not particularly intimate with me. I am a real introvert. I want to keep physical contact with loved ones only.

On February 14, my younger son calls me very upset by the invasion of Ukraine. We have a long conversation about tragedies, trauma, our roots in Kyiv, and what we can do today to keep us from despairing at the state of our world affairs.

March 2022

Pour la fête de Pourim, je m’habille de couleurs que je ne porte pas souvent.

Première sortie pour un brunch avec mon amie Leslie, depuis le début de la pandémie, je n’avais plus eu l’occasion de socialiser et il était temps de prendre l’air ! que ça fait du bien. On revit. 

Left: on Purim, I always don a costume. This year I chose jewels as well and red is not my favorite color to wear but the picture did me great service, thanks to good lighting!

Right: first brunch with my friend Leslie since 2020!! what a delight to finally go eating out, it feels like life is back after two long years. On-time to celebrate Spring as well.

April 2022

La joie des retrouvailles pour Pessah. Les deux frères s’entendent toujours aussi bien.

The three of us are together to celebrate the first night of Pesach!

The two brothers love each other, there is no better joy for a mother.

May 2022

Le printemps est là, et moi, j’en fête soixante-quatre 

Même pas mal. 

Spring in New York starts showing in May when I am turning 64. Feeling good!

June 2022

Quand ce n’est pas la sortie au manège, c’est la visite à la ferme où les automates sont l’attraction pour laquelle M. Ziti se passionne. Nous en profitons pour essayer d’apprendre à payer à la caisse, mais ce n’est vraiment pas ce qui l’intéresse. Ne mélangeons pas les genres ! 

Going to Stew Leonard’s is also a big monthly joy, mostly for the animatronics. Alas, the favorites Hank & Beau were at the repair shop. What a disappointment!

July 2022

Le farniente, c’est pour les chats. Il fait bon au nord quand le climat continental chauffe

Pic-nic sur l’Hudson. On se croirait presque à la mer en vacances. 

We have been lucky this Summer with acceptable heat and no heatwave. The cats on the patio still enjoy staying in the sun and a picnic by the Hudson River felt like a vacation at the sea!

August 2022

Attendus toute l’année, réclamés à cors et à cri par M. Ziti dès la fin du mois de l’année précédente, la fête foraine et le défilé de la caserne de la ville, c’est au mois d’août ! 

Each year, the parade and South Salem Fire Department Carnival are a must!

September 2022

Je suis invitée au mariage de ma voisine. Sans falbala, les mariages que je préfère. Tout était agréable. Le temps, le lieu, les convives, les voeux échangés par les époux, la cérémonie célébrée par la fille aînée, les toutous qui étaient de la fête, tout quoi. Rien de tel que l’amour. Je reste romantique en diable, et ça m’a touchée d’être conviée à cette consécration particulière. 

Et sinon, le mois de septembre, c’est la traditionnelle foire de la bibliothèque de la ville, une autre des festivités attendues et adulées par M. Ziti. Surtout parce qu’elle se tient au parc où il aime faire de la balançoire, et parce que la musique y est à fond les ballons. 

C’est aussi le Nouvel An Juif et avec lui, une nouvelle arrivée dans notre vie, pour travailler avec M. Ziti plusieurs fois par semaine. Un grand changement attendu depuis des années, et une bénédiction. Ils s’entendent à merveille. 

Invited to the wedding of Bill and JoAnn at the Pound Ridge Reservation. A dream wedding as I love for its simplicity, the perfect weather, the perfect location, the perfect ceremony with JoAnn’s daughter as the officiant. All the doggies enjoyed it as much as all the guests. I am a real romantic sucker for love and this one was a testament to it. I am so grateful I was a part of it.

Also, the annual South Salem Library Fair which my autistic son would not want to miss, probably because it takes place where there is his favorite swingset and they play music very loud.

And last but not least, we have welcomed a new addition to our family on Rosh haShanah, the Jewish New Year: Virginia is now working with Joseph several mornings at home and they get along very well!

October 2022

L’été indien et les lumières extraordinaires de l’automne. Je ne m’en lasse pas. 

M.Ziti a vingt-sept ans. C’est beaucoup d’années d’autisme à partager, j’en apprends tous les jours avec lui, et il accepte que j’occupe un peu d’espace dans son univers avec le sourire. La cohabitation se passe bien même si elle n’est pas idéale. Lui, préfèrerait de loin vivre avec Pocahontas ou Adibou. On s’accepte l’un l’autre du mieux qu’on le peut. 

Halloween, juste avant le mois de novembre, que nous ne célébrons pas particulièrement, mais je me prête au jeu pendant quelques heures, tandis que les enfants viennent sonner à la porte pour recevoir des bonbons. 

The joy of the light of the Indian Summer in the foliage. So good and a symphony for the heart and the eyes each day.

Joseph celebrated his 27th birthday on Earth, his autism is my teacher every day. He tolerates that I would share the space in his universe, always with his broad smile and infectious joy. Living together still is acceptable, even though he would prefer Pocahontas or Adibou as daily companions rather than his annoying mom. We accept each other the best we can.

We do not observe Halloween but I agree to participate for a couple of hours after dusk when the children come ring our doorbell and trick-and-treat.

November 2022

Il faut noter la première neige, même si ce n’est qu’un tout petit tapis de poudreuse. 

Il y a eu le retour de Hank et Beau, les automates qui étaient partis se faire rénover. 

 Et une sortie à New York avec le grand piano.

I always take a picture of the first snow of the season, even when this year it started with only a dusting that melted soon.

Hank and Beau are finally back after a too-long absence to be restored.

And at the end of November, after Thanksgiving, there was a train trip to the Big Apple and the Big Piano of course!

December 2022

La France n’a pas remporté la coupe du Monde de Football, mais j’ai ressorti le maillot de mon fiston de quand il avait douze ans. J’aurais peut-être dû éviter de l’enfiler par dessus mes gros pulls, mais il faisait frisquet. Je voulais trouver un prétexte de montrer que je m’intéressais (pas vraiment, j’avoue). 

On a bien sûr fêté Hanouka, la fête des lumières. 

Et M. Ziti continue d’adorer Virginia qui lui lit le Bossu de Notre Dame

France did not win the World Cup but I had an opportunity to excavate my younger son’s jersey when he played soccer. It may have been a poor choice to don the 12 year-old garment on top of my big sweater but it was very chilly that day! And it was only because I pretended I cared when I really didn’t… I only wanted to partake in my son’s excitement.

We then celebrated the eight days of Chanukah!

And Joseph is still enamored with Virginia who is reading The Huntchback of Notre-Dame for his delight.

I hope you enjoyed this year’s review

From my family to yours, we wish you light and peace, health, and success in all your endeavors in 2023! May it be a good year!

Purim ~ To Life!

This year we go into Purim with a cloud of war in the world and great danger to our Jewish brethren in the Ukraine. Israel is doing what it can and hundreds of volunteers are doing their best to alleviate a terrible situation. So how can we be joyous at such a time? Or maybe better yet, how can we not be joyous on this day? For without the joy of our holidays and the trust in God who has gotten us through thick and thin for millennium, where would we be. So let us be joyous but also remember all those who have tried to destroy us and failed. Someday we will look at war as something of the past. Let us draw a future of redemption into the world now.

L’Chayim!!!! Good Purim!!!!

Rabbi Avraham Arieh Trugman

Joy permeates my life today.

It does not mean that I do not care about what is happening in the world, at the time I am typing this post. It only means that joy is an experience I can have at the same time I experience deep care and concern for those in distress.

Giving and receiving joy is active work. It is born out of intention. I constantly make a decision to choose joy over gloom.

It may not be easy, but it is very simple.

My mind loves to overcomplicate everything.

So I choose to stop my mind from running into chasing squirrels all day long.

I pause, I breathe, I smile, I let the vision of warmth, love, and safety engulf me.

Once I have received that feeling, it becomes so much easier to send it back to the universe.

I am looking forward to the holiday, this coming Thursday.

Have a joyous Purim! to all who celebrate.

This year those who do not celebrate: Happy Saint Patrick’s! to those who celebrate. Stay safe and not too disorderly. Joy and exuberance can go together with caution and care if we choose moderation and balance.

To Life! L’chaim!

The New Month of March

The Energy of Renewal

At this time of the year, after several months of cold weather, ice, snow, and bare trees, the need to air and dust, dance and rejoice is growing on a daily basis. Soon in the Northern hemisphere, some will spring forward their clocks and get a later sunset in their evenings.

Hope for the Coming Season

When I try to think of what I hope for in the coming season, I hope for peace.

Miracles are at the core of my beliefs. They abound, some hidden, some revealed.

I hope for peace in my life but also in the greater world. I know that if I ban raging feelings from my heart, and replace them with love and serene feelings, miracles can occur in the blink of an eye. I pray for the ability to hold this belief up as long as I can.

I hope that fears dissolve, as well as the need for control and power, I hope for power to the people, to paraphrase the late John Lennon, of blessed memory.

I hope for the expansion of our horizons.

Growth and integration. May clarity return with Spring, so that we can all celebrate a new birth, a renewed time, big and small miracles for all!

Confinement

Who better than a parent of an autistic individual would have been prepared for what has befallen the world in 2020?

Trust me.

I know how you feel. I know the panic. I know the overwhelm. I know the need for over preparation.

I know that we need extra planning. We need to overthink. To foresee each step ahead. To structure the day. To expect that all will go according to plan, and to pivot in a split second because it does not. And in the face of the turmoil to keep a straight face, a loving demeanor, an understanding of the other’s fears and anxieties.

I know.

I have been there.

I trained in full confinement since the day my first-born was diagnosed with “moderate” autism, back in 1998. I had to adapt to a new “not-normal” and to live through social distancing not by choice to preserve our health or our loved ones’ health or the world’s health but because that is the nature of the beast when you are thrown into a world that places you in the “different” category.

Today, everyone is in the pit.

It is amazing to see.

It feels so surreal to many of you, and to many others, it feels scary like hell with thoughts of doom racing through your head and probably paralyzing ideas that you can’t survive such drastic isolation from others while you are quarantined in your own home with your loved ones or maybe even with your mother-in-law, who knows.

It is not doom.
It is not doomsday. It is a pandemic. It is new to most of us because this might be the first time we have to shelter in place with the resources at hand.

These resources were already prepared before we even knew it.
If you are reading these words that I post online, it is because the internet connects all of us. Even when we are separated by oceans, mountains and by time differences.
Technology has brought us immediate access to those we trust for wisdom, knowledge, information, inspiration. Solidarity springs like the birds who are ready to welcome the new season. Everyone is ready to offer a virtual hand through their shares.

This might be an extraordinary time in our lives and it will change our world for the better if we choose to react with our best selves.

When I started my first blog – in French – I chose to name it “One Day @ A Time” for a good reason: I was living a situation that was so overwhelming that I could only take one day at a time, each day I was “surviving” felt like the best accomplishment I could account for. I was proud of small steps, I was celebrating menial feats, I was immensely grateful every minute of every day because each of them was a treasure, one that kept giving, I had never imagined I was that strong and determined, I had never envisioned I could take in what I was taking in.

And yet I did.

Not alone.
Because I had a community, actually many communities, too many to even list them here without losing track. They know who they are. They are still in my life and smiling at these words. They know how grateful I am to them. They know the love we have shared at each step that we walked together, holding hands on the long and difficult path.

Today, you can have what I had then.

Communities are all there. You are part of them. Knowledge and wisdom are flowing in ways that we would have not imagined twenty years ago.

Our children are so much smarter than we were, their creative minds are bursting with ideas and joy, do not forget to celebrate them for how they will teach you news ways. They have not known the limitations we impose on our feelings of doom because their doom is at the end of the hour if their promised moment of delight is removed from them, not next year. They take one day at a time because this is all they have and they are so good at making the best of each hour.

Pay attention to what they say. How they say it. Their emotions. How quickly they recover. How resilient they are.

Even if you feel that confinement is a catastrophe, remember that it is just a moment in your life. One moment.
There are no “but”, there are “and”… and this moment shall pass as well.

I wish you all to be able to share each moment with joy and love, the same I have always wanted to do and known that it has taken me to this day, with faith and hope that all is good because honestly, it is.

Elul is back – Elul 1: Decide

The Jewish month of Elul is dedicated to cheshbon hanefesh, an accounting of our soul.

As we prepare for the new season, new beginnings, it is a very healthy habit to increase our sense of awareness.

The weeks leading up to Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year, are a time of introspection.

This is a time for inspiration.

A time to find meaning in our day to day lives.

You can decide at any time to examine how your life is going for you or you can decide this is the perfect opportunity to do it because the energy of the season will help you, motivate you, inspire you.

How did I do over this past year?
Where could I have done better?
What lessons can I learn from my own life in the past year?


אַחַת שָׁאַלְתִּי מֵאֵת ה’ אוֹתָהּ אֲבַקֵּשׁ שִׁבְתִּי בְּבֵית ה’ כָּל יְמֵי חַיַּי

One thing I ask of Adonai, for this do I yearn: to dwell in the house of Adonai all the days of my life

Psalm 27:4

This Psalm is recited from the beginning of Elul until the end of Sukkot, a season of asking questions, of seeking for oneself. The High Holy Days are a personal time – a time when we reflect on our universal human condition.

Wishing you all a wonderful month of Elul!

The Gift of Growth

Joseph at 7

In 2000, I started a website to document the journey of my first-born who was born with autism.

I wanted to speak about the time before he was diagnosed, the time when he got diagnosed, what we did, how we reacted and what it meant for him.
I wanted to document his journey and mine at a time there was so little about autism and therapies for young children, especially in French.

I created a website and called it “Terouma“, which is the French spelling of a Hebrew word meaning « Gifts » or « Offerings » The meaning in Hebrew implies the idea of separation and elevation. Life had given our family a separate fate because of autism but it had also offered us an opportunity for incredible growth.

Hence the name Terouma or Terumah for that website.

Each week, everywhere in the world, the Jewish people read the same portion of the Torah, the Five Books of Moses in the Hebrew Bible. The Torah is divided into fifty-four portions that are called by the first relevant word of the text: this week we are reading the portion called Terumah.

In this portion, the Israelites are commanded to bring offerings to build the tabernacle, with a specific list of items that must be gifted to that purpose.

Gold, silver and copper; blue, purple and red-dyed wool; flax, goat hair, animal skins, wood, olive oil, spices, and gems.

I have always been very fond of lists, all sorts of list. That list gives me joy each time I read it! I can feel the divine presence in each item, so precious, so special.

My son has so many rituals that mean something for him only, and he has not been able to share their meaning in a clear manner, but I look at them the same way I look at the list of items brought to build the mishkan, the holy tabernacle.

Each child is unique. Each story of autism is unique. What I have written in the past, what I write today, and might write in the future always reflect only my views.

Because of this extra-ordinary son with no intelligible words or explanation on his modus operandi, I am the one who had to build a special space, not only for him and his family but hopefully for others who might find our perspective inspiring.

Please, share your stories too!

This Christmas Eve

Each end of the calendar year, I like to take stock of my professional activities. I like to start planning for the next year as well.
 
Looking at this blog, I note how little I have published this past year.
 
I have always loved blogging.
 
To share with an audience of faithful readers about issues that matter most to me.
 
I may have the hope it would rally to my views of the world.
 
To invite someone with a different point of view to consider mine and discover a new place.
 
But I have never tried to convince or create any mass movement for my personal ideas.
 
My activism has always remained very confidential.
 
I discovered that communication is not – what a paradox! – my strongest suit.
 
It led me to feelings of being misunderstood often. To feelings of loneliness and solitude.
 
I like to tell stories. I don’t actually like to explain things. Yet I always force myself to explain things out of fear of creating confusion. Confusion would upset my sense of order and strive for perfection.
 
Such effort costs me time and energy, and both deserve rewards.
 
 
Could it be the reason why I stopped blogging in 2018? I barely shared anything on social media as well. I concentrated all my time elsewhere that was not public writing.
 
 
When I was a student, I dreamed of being an interpreter and I studied foreign languages.
 
When I was a child, I dreamed of being an actress. Instead, I played the games my gender, origins, culture, family, or country expected me to play. I have been pretty good at it.
 
I dreamed of a career in which I would have created a safe haven for people to come to resource and learn how to grow their talents.
 
Instead, I had two children.
Each became in their own way my teachers of new very foreign languages.
 
This year, Christmas week offers me a haven of tranquility that I would like to taste.
 
I do not celebrate the holiday so I enjoy the peaceful break for myself.
 
Looking back at the year.
 
I am trying to remember all those who left this world this past year. It is leaving holes in my heart and nostalgia for the memories we had together.
 
I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt to failures and difficulties that I encountered. To let them be springboards to create better results next time I try. The lessons they teach bring wisdom once we repeat and practice the exercises and persist.
 
Persistence is key.
 
This blog is still here!
 
Even though it lacked consistency I hope it can still play its role, for me, as well as for its visitors.
 
To all, I wish a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. May we all have many opportunities to spend some time together. I look forward to this miracle of interconnectivity.

What to say and what not to say about suicide?

Dear all friends, followers and loving fans,

I have been widely absent from all sorts of social media presence lately. I haven’t posted except for the occasional signs that I am alive and paying attention to the world, mainly in private settings.

On the occasion of the tragic death of celebrities to suicide, I feel bombarded once again by a renewed interest from those who received the news with shock and dismay and struggle to understand the underlying cause of such horrible way to die.

Among what I can read, there are more triggering messages about mental health, responsibility to others when you are in the public eye than I can take without adding my own voice to the noise around suicide.

I can’t take anyone’s blame on a deceased person for having left the world as if such departure was their conscious will. I can’t listen to angry messages without receiving a hurtful blow as if the anger was a personal attack, not only on myself but also on the one who expresses an angry message: I can feel the utmost fear and pain that the news inflicted on them and if anger is the only way to express such pain, I resent that it takes the form of a hurtful attack on anyone.

There are healthy ways to process anger and it should always be in the form of action.

I certainly feel angry myself and this may be the very reason why I am writing this and coming out of my silent place on social media on this occasion.

Most of you know that I have been open about my struggles and life circumstances.

I have no suicidal ideation and I know that I am lucky that it has never happened to me. I would not be here to share those words with you if I had not been lucky when I “lost” it. I have a very clear recollection of the chains of events – on several separate occasions – that protected me. Each of those occasions, I took as a lesson and a guide on how to keep protecting the life I have been given, the gifts I have been granted, and the responsibility I have agreed to take upon myself to continue growing and fulfilling my mission on earth… until it is the end of it, and it is not my human decision.

Words are powerful: they can hurt or they can heal.

I cringe and ache when I read messages that convey misunderstanding, judgments and sometimes extremely toxic condemnations that those who silently suffer may receive as an additional confirmation that they should not disclose anything about themselves because it is at best useless and at worst dangerous.

Each of us has a dark area of unknown places: there is a window that can be accessed, and a window that can’t. Personal growth should aim at making the inaccessible window the smallest possible so that it is not filling with demons or unresolved pains and conflicts that threaten to spill poison or despair into our lives.

There are many different paths to such growth. Not one way fits all. It is the same with all who succumb to the darkness. Not all of them have suffered for the same cause nor would have been helped the same way, or helping themselves in the same fashion as the other, or as myself.

What responsibility?

Today, the only message I want to convey about responsibility is that we are each of us individually responsible for what we put outside of ourselves, what we publish as well as what we say to others, or about others. It is so important to avoid blame and condemnation. It is so necessary to make sure that what we decide to share is coming from a place of love and not a place of fear.

When we harbor anger at a news that shocked us, we can recognize the anger without using it to distance ourselves from what has happened. Suicide is not contagious but the words that are spoken around the suicide of a well-known victim of suicide have the unfortunate power to kill others as well.

I would dream of a world where each of us watches their words carefully so that they can bring light and love all the time. It has been a dream for a long time and if I do not contribute to my own dream, I have failed to take action that will ease the feelings of pain and anger that I may be experiencing when something tragic happens to my fellow human.

What to do

I do not have a recipe to give you about what to say or what not to say. I have immense respect and trust that you can measure your words by yourself. As for action, there are great organizations who dedicate multiple resources and countless ways to help make this world a kinder and safer place for all. Let us join them in their efforts and vow to repair the world and grow our hearts bigger with love for all.

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Giving Thanks

For our fragile planet earth,
its times and tides,
its sunsets and seasons,
its vitality and vegetables;

For the joy of human life,
its wonders and surprises,
its hopes and achievements;

For human community,
our common past and future hopes,
our oneness transcending all separation,
our capacity to work for peace and justice in the midst of hostility and oppression;

For high hopes and noble causes,
for faith without fanaticism,
for an understanding of views not shared;

For all who have labored and suffered for a fairer world,
who have lived so that others might live in dignity and freedom:
We pray that we may live, not by our fears, but by our hopes.
Modim Anachnu Lach—For all this and so much more, we give thanks.

From the Mishkan Tefilah – the Jewish Reform Prayer Book

 

Would you like to receive these blogs in your inbox? Click on the link below to sign up!

As a Thank You for joining my list, I will send you The Elul Series – an accounting of the Soul one day at a time!

Yes, please send me an email when you publish a new blog post!