Flash Back 2022

It is a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year.

And yet, in my own window, it always feels there is sameness.

I started receiving Seasons Greetings cards in early December and realized mine were not prepared.

Day after day, I had put the project onto my to-do list, reported it, and there it was: another year when I would have missed the accepted cultural deadline.

Oh well, never mind. I have used the same excuse for the past twenty-five years and will continue to claim this is my Frenchness that allows me a full month of second chances as the tradition in my birth country is to greet everyone with a “Bonne année !” and good wishes for the year to come during the entire month of January.

Here is a digest of our past year 2022 with images and snippets of what our lives have been like during those twelve months. I hope you will enjoy it!

January 2022

L’hiver et la saison des blizzards ne nous empêchent jamais de trouver que la vie est belle. Repas typique de M. Ziti, tout sera dégusté dans la joie. 

Even though Winter brings blizzards to where we live, we love life. A typical lunch for my autistic son at home is always the source of endless joy!

As for me, January is the time to review the past year and set my goals for the coming one.

February 2022

Le manège, c’est une fois par mois, qu’il pleuve, qu’il vente ou pas. On reste masqués, plus par habitude que par nécessité, il n’y a pas grand monde comme vous pouvez le constater sur la photo. 

On quittera le masque dans quelques mois, je crois, quand les gouverneurs lèveront les obligations. 

J’ai décidé d’arrêter définitivement si possible de me faire embrasser à l’américaine, une étreinte que t’imposent des gens avec qui tu n’as aucune intimité et je ne m’en porte pas plus mal du tout. 

M. Zebu m’appellera bouleversé le jour de l’invasion de l’Ukraine pour une longue conversation à propos de l’avenir. 

Rain, snow, or shine, the reward of going to the Carousel at the Danbury Mall is still a thing, once a month. In February, we were still mandated to wear a mask inside, not for fear of people around as you can tell in the picture.

I have also decided that I will keep away from hugs. I never enjoyed them anyway, when given by people who are not particularly intimate with me. I am a real introvert. I want to keep physical contact with loved ones only.

On February 14, my younger son calls me very upset by the invasion of Ukraine. We have a long conversation about tragedies, trauma, our roots in Kyiv, and what we can do today to keep us from despairing at the state of our world affairs.

March 2022

Pour la fête de Pourim, je m’habille de couleurs que je ne porte pas souvent.

Première sortie pour un brunch avec mon amie Leslie, depuis le début de la pandémie, je n’avais plus eu l’occasion de socialiser et il était temps de prendre l’air ! que ça fait du bien. On revit. 

Left: on Purim, I always don a costume. This year I chose jewels as well and red is not my favorite color to wear but the picture did me great service, thanks to good lighting!

Right: first brunch with my friend Leslie since 2020!! what a delight to finally go eating out, it feels like life is back after two long years. On-time to celebrate Spring as well.

April 2022

La joie des retrouvailles pour Pessah. Les deux frères s’entendent toujours aussi bien.

The three of us are together to celebrate the first night of Pesach!

The two brothers love each other, there is no better joy for a mother.

May 2022

Le printemps est là, et moi, j’en fête soixante-quatre 

Même pas mal. 

Spring in New York starts showing in May when I am turning 64. Feeling good!

June 2022

Quand ce n’est pas la sortie au manège, c’est la visite à la ferme où les automates sont l’attraction pour laquelle M. Ziti se passionne. Nous en profitons pour essayer d’apprendre à payer à la caisse, mais ce n’est vraiment pas ce qui l’intéresse. Ne mélangeons pas les genres ! 

Going to Stew Leonard’s is also a big monthly joy, mostly for the animatronics. Alas, the favorites Hank & Beau were at the repair shop. What a disappointment!

July 2022

Le farniente, c’est pour les chats. Il fait bon au nord quand le climat continental chauffe

Pic-nic sur l’Hudson. On se croirait presque à la mer en vacances. 

We have been lucky this Summer with acceptable heat and no heatwave. The cats on the patio still enjoy staying in the sun and a picnic by the Hudson River felt like a vacation at the sea!

August 2022

Attendus toute l’année, réclamés à cors et à cri par M. Ziti dès la fin du mois de l’année précédente, la fête foraine et le défilé de la caserne de la ville, c’est au mois d’août ! 

Each year, the parade and South Salem Fire Department Carnival are a must!

September 2022

Je suis invitée au mariage de ma voisine. Sans falbala, les mariages que je préfère. Tout était agréable. Le temps, le lieu, les convives, les voeux échangés par les époux, la cérémonie célébrée par la fille aînée, les toutous qui étaient de la fête, tout quoi. Rien de tel que l’amour. Je reste romantique en diable, et ça m’a touchée d’être conviée à cette consécration particulière. 

Et sinon, le mois de septembre, c’est la traditionnelle foire de la bibliothèque de la ville, une autre des festivités attendues et adulées par M. Ziti. Surtout parce qu’elle se tient au parc où il aime faire de la balançoire, et parce que la musique y est à fond les ballons. 

C’est aussi le Nouvel An Juif et avec lui, une nouvelle arrivée dans notre vie, pour travailler avec M. Ziti plusieurs fois par semaine. Un grand changement attendu depuis des années, et une bénédiction. Ils s’entendent à merveille. 

Invited to the wedding of Bill and JoAnn at the Pound Ridge Reservation. A dream wedding as I love for its simplicity, the perfect weather, the perfect location, the perfect ceremony with JoAnn’s daughter as the officiant. All the doggies enjoyed it as much as all the guests. I am a real romantic sucker for love and this one was a testament to it. I am so grateful I was a part of it.

Also, the annual South Salem Library Fair which my autistic son would not want to miss, probably because it takes place where there is his favorite swingset and they play music very loud.

And last but not least, we have welcomed a new addition to our family on Rosh haShanah, the Jewish New Year: Virginia is now working with Joseph several mornings at home and they get along very well!

October 2022

L’été indien et les lumières extraordinaires de l’automne. Je ne m’en lasse pas. 

M.Ziti a vingt-sept ans. C’est beaucoup d’années d’autisme à partager, j’en apprends tous les jours avec lui, et il accepte que j’occupe un peu d’espace dans son univers avec le sourire. La cohabitation se passe bien même si elle n’est pas idéale. Lui, préfèrerait de loin vivre avec Pocahontas ou Adibou. On s’accepte l’un l’autre du mieux qu’on le peut. 

Halloween, juste avant le mois de novembre, que nous ne célébrons pas particulièrement, mais je me prête au jeu pendant quelques heures, tandis que les enfants viennent sonner à la porte pour recevoir des bonbons. 

The joy of the light of the Indian Summer in the foliage. So good and a symphony for the heart and the eyes each day.

Joseph celebrated his 27th birthday on Earth, his autism is my teacher every day. He tolerates that I would share the space in his universe, always with his broad smile and infectious joy. Living together still is acceptable, even though he would prefer Pocahontas or Adibou as daily companions rather than his annoying mom. We accept each other the best we can.

We do not observe Halloween but I agree to participate for a couple of hours after dusk when the children come ring our doorbell and trick-and-treat.

November 2022

Il faut noter la première neige, même si ce n’est qu’un tout petit tapis de poudreuse. 

Il y a eu le retour de Hank et Beau, les automates qui étaient partis se faire rénover. 

 Et une sortie à New York avec le grand piano.

I always take a picture of the first snow of the season, even when this year it started with only a dusting that melted soon.

Hank and Beau are finally back after a too-long absence to be restored.

And at the end of November, after Thanksgiving, there was a train trip to the Big Apple and the Big Piano of course!

December 2022

La France n’a pas remporté la coupe du Monde de Football, mais j’ai ressorti le maillot de mon fiston de quand il avait douze ans. J’aurais peut-être dû éviter de l’enfiler par dessus mes gros pulls, mais il faisait frisquet. Je voulais trouver un prétexte de montrer que je m’intéressais (pas vraiment, j’avoue). 

On a bien sûr fêté Hanouka, la fête des lumières. 

Et M. Ziti continue d’adorer Virginia qui lui lit le Bossu de Notre Dame

France did not win the World Cup but I had an opportunity to excavate my younger son’s jersey when he played soccer. It may have been a poor choice to don the 12 year-old garment on top of my big sweater but it was very chilly that day! And it was only because I pretended I cared when I really didn’t… I only wanted to partake in my son’s excitement.

We then celebrated the eight days of Chanukah!

And Joseph is still enamored with Virginia who is reading The Huntchback of Notre-Dame for his delight.

I hope you enjoyed this year’s review

From my family to yours, we wish you light and peace, health, and success in all your endeavors in 2023! May it be a good year!

The New Month of March

The Energy of Renewal

At this time of the year, after several months of cold weather, ice, snow, and bare trees, the need to air and dust, dance and rejoice is growing on a daily basis. Soon in the Northern hemisphere, some will spring forward their clocks and get a later sunset in their evenings.

Hope for the Coming Season

When I try to think of what I hope for in the coming season, I hope for peace.

Miracles are at the core of my beliefs. They abound, some hidden, some revealed.

I hope for peace in my life but also in the greater world. I know that if I ban raging feelings from my heart, and replace them with love and serene feelings, miracles can occur in the blink of an eye. I pray for the ability to hold this belief up as long as I can.

I hope that fears dissolve, as well as the need for control and power, I hope for power to the people, to paraphrase the late John Lennon, of blessed memory.

I hope for the expansion of our horizons.

Growth and integration. May clarity return with Spring, so that we can all celebrate a new birth, a renewed time, big and small miracles for all!

What to say and what not to say about suicide?

Dear all friends, followers and loving fans,

I have been widely absent from all sorts of social media presence lately. I haven’t posted except for the occasional signs that I am alive and paying attention to the world, mainly in private settings.

On the occasion of the tragic death of celebrities to suicide, I feel bombarded once again by a renewed interest from those who received the news with shock and dismay and struggle to understand the underlying cause of such horrible way to die.

Among what I can read, there are more triggering messages about mental health, responsibility to others when you are in the public eye than I can take without adding my own voice to the noise around suicide.

I can’t take anyone’s blame on a deceased person for having left the world as if such departure was their conscious will. I can’t listen to angry messages without receiving a hurtful blow as if the anger was a personal attack, not only on myself but also on the one who expresses an angry message: I can feel the utmost fear and pain that the news inflicted on them and if anger is the only way to express such pain, I resent that it takes the form of a hurtful attack on anyone.

There are healthy ways to process anger and it should always be in the form of action.

I certainly feel angry myself and this may be the very reason why I am writing this and coming out of my silent place on social media on this occasion.

Most of you know that I have been open about my struggles and life circumstances.

I have no suicidal ideation and I know that I am lucky that it has never happened to me. I would not be here to share those words with you if I had not been lucky when I “lost” it. I have a very clear recollection of the chains of events – on several separate occasions – that protected me. Each of those occasions, I took as a lesson and a guide on how to keep protecting the life I have been given, the gifts I have been granted, and the responsibility I have agreed to take upon myself to continue growing and fulfilling my mission on earth… until it is the end of it, and it is not my human decision.

Words are powerful: they can hurt or they can heal.

I cringe and ache when I read messages that convey misunderstanding, judgments and sometimes extremely toxic condemnations that those who silently suffer may receive as an additional confirmation that they should not disclose anything about themselves because it is at best useless and at worst dangerous.

Each of us has a dark area of unknown places: there is a window that can be accessed, and a window that can’t. Personal growth should aim at making the inaccessible window the smallest possible so that it is not filling with demons or unresolved pains and conflicts that threaten to spill poison or despair into our lives.

There are many different paths to such growth. Not one way fits all. It is the same with all who succumb to the darkness. Not all of them have suffered for the same cause nor would have been helped the same way, or helping themselves in the same fashion as the other, or as myself.

What responsibility?

Today, the only message I want to convey about responsibility is that we are each of us individually responsible for what we put outside of ourselves, what we publish as well as what we say to others, or about others. It is so important to avoid blame and condemnation. It is so necessary to make sure that what we decide to share is coming from a place of love and not a place of fear.

When we harbor anger at a news that shocked us, we can recognize the anger without using it to distance ourselves from what has happened. Suicide is not contagious but the words that are spoken around the suicide of a well-known victim of suicide have the unfortunate power to kill others as well.

I would dream of a world where each of us watches their words carefully so that they can bring light and love all the time. It has been a dream for a long time and if I do not contribute to my own dream, I have failed to take action that will ease the feelings of pain and anger that I may be experiencing when something tragic happens to my fellow human.

What to do

I do not have a recipe to give you about what to say or what not to say. I have immense respect and trust that you can measure your words by yourself. As for action, there are great organizations who dedicate multiple resources and countless ways to help make this world a kinder and safer place for all. Let us join them in their efforts and vow to repair the world and grow our hearts bigger with love for all.

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Three Brothers

Tombe_Mayer_Alger-min

 

Every year, on Veterans Day, I am reminded of the WWI fallen from my own family.

This is because, in France, the day is dedicated to celebrating the end of WWI with the signature of the armistice that day.

The picture on this post shows a tombstone in Algiers Jewish Cemetary, the only picture I have of a place I never could visit.
My mother was born there. The tomb is the family’s plot.

These are her mother’s brothers who died during the war ~ and a fourth brother also died in WWII.

My mother’s grandfather ~ the father of these brothers if you follow ~ had been a Colonel in the French Army, at the same time as the famous Captain Dreyfus.

I told a little bit in this post, too.

Jews were very patriotic always, despite antisemitism. It was an honor to send his own sons to serve the country. They paid the ultimate price of this patriotism in what has been dubbed later the worst terrible war and a “butchery”, which it was.

War is ugly.

There is no pretty war.

Veterans who are lucky to come back from wars may have come unarmed in their bodies but their soul is scarred. I cannot even fathom how they can deal with their feelings after they endured and experienced what they did.

We owe them more than just remembering to thank them for their service with gratitude. We do. But we also owe them care and employment and mental health care as a country, not as a charity.

When I remember my own great-uncles whom I never got a chance to meet and who never got a chance to give birth to sons or daughters who would talk about their stories, I also remember their mother, Rachel, my great-grandmother, and Cecile, my mother’s mother who had been the one to share with me about her beloved brothers.

I remember most what was a painful sadness lingering year after year, so strong that I was able to carry it over with me.

I remember the picture of Rachel wearing the signs of her bereavement, that she would never lose until her own death. I can’t fathom the kind of strength you need to muster once you have buried your own sons, one after the other.

My grandmother gave birth to my uncle a few days after her brother was killed, two days before the armistice was signed Nov 11, 1918.

 

My uncle was named after the young fallen soldier.

 
 

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As a Thank You for joining my list, I will send you The Elul Series – an accounting of the Soul one day at a time!

Yes, please send me an email when you publish a new blog post!

The Month of Gratitude

November is #noticeandsharethegood Month!
I have two sons.
The older – is 22. The younger is 20.
The older is severely autistic. He has no conversational language.
At times he goes above his brother’s head with his own bent head, in a loving gesture of awe, in his own fashion to express tenderness.
That the younger young man never pushes him back nor expresses annoyance is beautiful. Simply beautiful.
I cannot explain how grateful I am for the tender relationship between those two…

Give thanks

There is a tradition in Judaism that we give thanks as soon as we open our eyes when we wake up in the morning.

We are given many opportunities to give thanks from that moment on during the day, and if we can we are urged to do it at least a hundred times each day.

Looking around and finding those opportunities is an exercise in mental health, with more benefits than anti-depressants.

When darkness is growing

With November, in the Northern hemisphere, trees are becoming bare.

Daylight is decreasing.

Soon we feel like we don’t see the sun at all.

It is time to vote in the United States.

A year ago, it did not end well for all those who had not seen it come. Authoritarianism is casting such an ominous shadow that it feels difficult to give thanks for what is happening in the world.

To look for the beauty and the goodness.

To find the helpers.

To keep hope and keep the battle and keep smiling.

Keep voicing your opinions

We can disagree on so many things and still have a civil discussion.

There are so many ways to look at everything.

Just be patient and see the tenderness in a gesture that may be annoying.

Like my son does over and over out of his own love for his brother.

Always see the good in everything may bring surprises. The light will come back.

In the meantime, let us all prepare for the beautiful holiday of Thanksgiving. What will you bring to the table? Let me know!

 

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As a Thank You for joining my list, I will send you The Elul Series – an accounting of the Soul one day at a time!

Yes, please send me an email when you publish a new blog post!

Survival in A Tough Time

Coffee Shop Rabbi (a.k.a. Rabbi Ruth Adar) expressed feelings and ideas I share in this post I re-post on my own blog today.

I wish I had written what she wrote: her words mirror those that struggled to form in my own overwhelmed mind.

When the only thought that comes to mind is “disaster”, I want to stay strong and helpful. I want to use my personal powers of being alive and able.

Doing one good deed at a time.

Even if that one deed is to continue publishing one blog at a time.

Coffee Shop Rabbi

Image: Sonoma, CA, in better times. (jessebridgewater/pixabay)

Hurricanes. Wildfires.

A little over a week ago we said the Unetaneh Tokef prayer, “Who by water and who by fire,” expressing the fact that we simply do not know what the future will bring each person. And since then, we have seen so many bad things: the aftermath of hurricane and floods in Texas, Florida, and Puerto Rico, and the fires in the West, especially in Northern California this week.

The news from Washington is deeply upsetting to many of us. Who would have thought we’d see a President of the United States have a name-calling match on Twitter with one of the leaders of his own party? Who would have thought we’d see a name-calling game of nuclear chicken play out on Twitter between heads of state?

I have not posted for a week. Some of that was a…

View original post 652 more words

On this day, April 19, 1943

Ruins of the Warsaw Ghetto
http://www.yadvashem.org/yv/en/exhibitions/warsaw_ghetto_testimonies/ruins.asp

In 1943 this day Waffen SS attacks Jewish resistance in the Warsaw ghetto.

My family lived in France and I learned the history of the Warsaw Ghetto first hand from survivors I met as an adult. None of them are alive anymore, but they passed their memories to me, and for me to remember what happened and how it happened.

Why it happened is another question that I still am asking.

Sometimes, it feels it happened because the younger generations forget or don’t care about what is outside of their immediate preoccupations.

These images are in black and white.

Don’t they look alike images we see every day still? somewhere in the world?

Why should we not remember lest we repeat history?

We, Jews, may be annoying you with our constant remembrance of the Holocaust: denying that it happened is not only painful and offensive, but it is also criminal because it allows the world to become cruel, cynical and self-destroying.

Stories of the resistance are beautiful and inspiring. They are poignant and useful.

Remember. Share. Resist. Grow. Love.

For those who know me 


This 8th of April
For those who know me from there, and for those who know me from here.
For those who share my roots, and for those who love to learn about them.
For those who follow me for my stories, and for those who follow me because they share their course.
Here’s to you on this 8th of April, for now, and forever.
Places are in our hearts even when they can’t be seen anymore.
Thoughts are prayers when they can be said aloud.
Images are memories that can be shared and I am grateful for such a gift of passing along from generation to generation.

A Sparkly Beacon of Hope: the Prospector Theater

There is a wonderful and very unique theater in my neighborhood.

It has delighted me since it opened about three years ago and I could not wait until I had an opportunity to bring my elder son who has severe autism to a movie  I thought he would enjoy.

The Prospector Theater had a sensory screening of “Beauty and the Beast” the other day.

We went and we loved it!

You see, it is a place where all workers are called Prospects and they all fall in the society’s named category of people with disabilities.

It’s a place that is beautiful with a sparkle.

Its welcoming atmosphere goes beyond anything one could dream of: a place where everyone is extraordinary and proud to offer entertainment and respite from the world that is not always as accepting of differences as it should be.


My son immediately beamed at “Bonjour!” of course.

He then delighted in each and every musical scene and was elated with the ballroom extravaganza.

Thanks to the sensory setting the soundtrack was not overwhelming and we were never in complete darkness which helped me too!

There are so many beautiful things about the Prospector theater.

There, everyone is unique and working to make you feel happy and it is not in vain: I came out of the two hours movie as elated as when I was a kid, completely rejuvenated by the love story (I know, I am a total sucker for fairy tales) and by having been able to enjoy the sheer pleasure my very special son obviously experienced.

If you would like to support the mission of this very unique place, you can see their website.
Donate, become a sponsor or simply follow them on social media! Thank you!

Read more about the Prospector Theater: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/09/13/nyregion/in-ridgefield-a-movie-theater-with-a-lofty-mission.html