Roots: they are the stories that ground you, the food that returns you, the music that comforts you, and the people who know you. Everyone has roots that influence them, even if they don’t consciously know them or can’t access them.
Friday, June 14, 2013:
If your family has moved over time, have you ever traveled to the place your ancestors lived?
I am the one who moved.
I was born somewhere very far from where I live. I cannot easily decide that I am going to show my children the places I was cruising when I was their age. I often feel bad about it.
I realize it happened to my mother too. I used to hear stories about the place of her birth and youth all the time. It had a mythical touch. And then, same with my maternal grandmother. I remember the first time I visited her hometown, she had passed a long time before already, so I could not even ask her anything about her memories, if she had any of the city, and if the pictures I could take from it were showing big differences with her time.
There is some acute sadness about that. I guess I like it better to visit photo albums, to see glimpses of what it could have felt at the time the people I relate to where living there.
If I go back in time again, and try to figure out other places my ancestors had lived, or traveled through, I can’t really say that I am attracted to the idea of visiting those places, today. Yes, I would love to travel in time, in imagination and see how it looked back then. I like historic movies, or novels, much more than traveling, maybe for that reason. I am not so much of a good traveler I guess.
Once or twice I went visiting family or friends in the craddle of where my ancestors lived for centuries it seems. I remember these visits were not meant to be pilgrimages to where they lived, so I can’t say it left a particular impression on me. I do not seem to be wanting to be physically walking their steps to be able to spiritually reunite with them. Distance is painful when you want to craddle and have a hug, but I have no memories that this is what I received when I needed those hugs anyways.
The only time, I actually felt like I was really traveling to the place my ancestors lived, was a dramatic occurence. Because of my mental illness, back in 1987, I had a severe episode of mania, and had to be hospitalized and drugged with antipsychotic drugs to stop the dangerous spiral I was in. This was what it looked from the outside world which I was not in anymore, mentally speaking. The rush of whatever chemicals that my brain was producing was taking me to places back in time, and I hallucinated about all my ancestors coming back to me to support me in recovering.
It was a very powerful hallucination – not scary at all, because it had none of the horror movie features that are usually associated with this kind of scenario. It was more like a very warm and fuzzy family reunion, or rather a family visiting the sick person I was, and they were all coming to my bedside to encourage me to feel better and to get better. I certainly could recognize some of the grandparents, then figured out the great-grand-parents and so on, from generation to generation, it was seemingly endless procession of ancestors, all lovingly coming to my rescue.
It felt like the most ancient ones where coming from the Garden of Eden, bringing healing fruit from the Tree of Life, encouraging me to choose the right path: because they were two paths on that journey, and I did not exactly know which door was leading to which path, I had to make a choice by myself. A beautiful woman who was my ancestor from before times were even recorded, named Lilith, guided me in her own way, and I ended up chosing the road to recovery.
When I need to find solace, I do try to go back to the place she was and remember her ways and her guidance, surrounded by my entire family through time as a supporting strength to face my difficulties. That’s definitely how I travel the best.