#BlogElul 5776 #ElulGram – Elul 24: Hope










One of the most difficult things, when you suffer from depression, is to understand the feeling of hope: it is one of those feelings that can elude you completely and it becomes only an intellectual thought when confronted with the word or the description of “hopeful”.

I can do my best to picture something I hope for and I can try to elicit an emotion that will go with anticipating the event I have pictured. I want it to make it feel exciting or motivating. It is certainly wiser to act towards an outcome with the hope it will happen. This is when the hope is real and can be carried on with integrity. It takes a lot of perseverance and not to despair ever even in the face of setbacks.

Hope and resilience seem to go hand in hand. Hope is a light in the night, towards which you walk while you continue dreaming. Sometimes it is enough to have the dream. Sometimes it requires a little bit more action, in order to transform the hope into a wish and from a wish into reality.

Holding onto hopes is a nice way of celebrating life. The human spirit needs it, especially when it is difficult to find meaning to too many events.


This year, I have committed to a daily blog in English to participate in @imabima’s project of Elul. I will dedicate my endeavor for the רפואה שלמה complete healing of   מרדכי אלעזר בן חנה מרים (Mordechai ben Chanah).

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Stuck again

Children playing in the falling snow
Snow Day


I am stuck

I am stuck at home on yet another snow day
I am stuck in my head and in my body as I am struggling with yet another bout of severe depression
I am stuck here and there and it feels it is forever
I am stuck not making any decision
and sharing with others just things that are not likely to unstuck me
because I am stuck in being afraid to be even moved from where I am stuck

Because being stuck feels painful but oh so much safer than being on the go
I am stuck in fear and sadness
I am stuck in this terrible place that feels like walls are closing on me
And that the force needed to stop them from doing so is beyond my abilities
I am stuck and it hurts to realize it so it is easier to close everything inside of myself
Not to talk not to share not to move

I am stuck in time that is passing by without me
I am stuck in the sameness of time and words and actions
I am stuck in a dimension that is separate and disconnected
I am stuck in a place that feels it is not in the same dimension and not in the same world as the others I have to interact with
I am stuck in my head and it feels like it is shrunk
I am stuck in a place of emotions that struggle to break free
I am stuck in a very thin place of madness that is scary and lonely

I am stuck despite the intense will and desire to break free
To bring peace to myself so that I can bring peace to others
To share the joy of being alive and to share the gifts that were given to me
In an unique fashion that I have to recognize and not waste
Because now is the time and now is the place
And not what has happened or what will happen
Just what is happening right now
Here and there
Where I am stuck for the time being


The power of feed-back

Lily of the gardenI have really been wondering why I stopped blogging as often lately.

One of the reasons could be because I am too busy. But it does not sound right. I do spend lots of time doing things that take time that I could skip and write instead. I have been writing regularly and consistently for days in a row, with discipline and determination, but I have never chosen to write and share publicly.

Because when I choose to share publicly, I am being very careful of what I have written.

I want to choose the proper topic, so that it would be appealing to my readers. Interesting and informative. Also thought provoking and inspiring. It then becomes more difficult to decide what will fit the criteria.

Then I censor myself a lot.

Then I doubt my syntax, grammar and style.

Then time goes by and somethings comes up to cut the inspiration.

If I get distracted, I lose track of what I had wanted to write about.

If I get interrupted, I lose the desire to share about the initial idea, and maybe another topic starts invading my feelings and my need to share about, but it does not fit the criteria of either being interesting, inspiring or thought provoking, it has become more selfish or attention grabbing and I resent those blogposts from others so why would I do the same to my readers and impose a boring self-absorbed post with no added value?

So in the end, I keep writing for myself, privately, with least efforts to correct, rewrite or build a real blogpost that would be looking like what I have wanted to do in the beginning when I had in mind to share my one day at a time, in a fashion that would draw attention to my passions and topics of choice. And in the end I resent myself for being quite lazy after all and neglecting my readers and my blogs, both in English and in French.

A sad reflection on a depressed mind.

Many around me often wondered why I was not taking medication for my depression. I have recently been working with a coach with the goal to achieve relief and inner peace and transform my outcomes in life, in order to truly shine and reach my full potential. I have shared with her about my mental conditions very early in the process but luckily for her, this was not a condition that she had ever suffered from, and since she is not a therapist, it was not easy to predict how difficult things were going to be in the process of our work together: I dreaded the moment when she was going to let me know that I needed to try medications again otherwise we were not going to see any progress arrived at a certain point, the same way it had always seemed to happen every time I had been determined to work on myself.

This could mean that indeed, the solution IS medication so that I can lift the lid that blocks my path to self development. Unfortunately, every time I meet that time, I have to remember that I have been on medications and that, if I have to agree that the medications were useful in some ways, they were killing so many of the other things that make my life have a purpose in other ways, and in the end the benefits were fading to the point of disappearing completely to leave me worse than before and I started being able to relive again only after I had finally weaned from the medications!

A healthy diet and a regimen of daily exercise have been much more efficient, even if they are much more work than just taking pills and visiting regularly a doctor and a therapist. Every time I have fallen back off the horse, I have seen the depression come back very strongly. Unfortunately, the exercise and a lighter weight and better physical form have not kept the depression completely at bay, and when it has come back, it has also impaired my ability to sustain the very hard discipline that it takes to keep the healthy diet and exercise, because it impaired my interest in everything including those things that were helping.

Sometimes, asking for help is not asking for a fix. Today, I know that the kind of help I receive from acknowledgment is greater and more effective than any kind of medication. I need the stroke of compliments on a job well done despite the perceived imperfections of it. I need the recognition of the work I choose to show publicly because I believe it can speak to others and reflect on what is shining and burning inside even when I feel it not.

Reddit cofounder and online activist Aaron Swartz dead at 26 | The Raw Story

See on Scoop.itSuicide and depression

Otir‘s insight:

Aaron Swartz hanged himself on Friday 1.11.13 in NYC. He was known as one of the authors of the widely popular rss (really simple syndication), which he created when he was 14. Eighteen months ago he got into judicial trouble for downloading documents for MIT. He was an online activist with a view to make the world a fairer place. He was battling depression while beeing obviously bullied by the prosecution on his case in Massachussetts. His tragic death is going to ripple widely.

See on www.rawstory.com