Now that I have become an adult orphan, I often think that I am next “in line” and this is an unsettling feeling.
My children are entering adult age, and I am entering another age too. I feel it is time I become wiser and that some of the unhealthy behaviors I have held to for all those years of rushing through my own adult life have to really go away, otherwise I might end up with not being able to answer the question: who was I? what did I do to be who I was meant to be?
The more I am progressing with this year’s Elul series, the more I feel like more than just last year is being reviewed as I try to see how to apply the theme of the day.
In some ways, life already gave me ample opportunities to work on some of the middot (characteristics or virtues, values by which we “measure” the accomplishments of a life lived by the Torah, the “teachings” literally).
As we are quickly heading towards the season of repentance and forgiveness, I still feel the resistance though to tackle those that are more difficult to deal with, and I want to retreat in a space of sleepiness, where it is easier to ignore the work still to be accomplished. It becomes easier to make excuses then, to argue of how tiring it can be to revisit what is past and cannot be undone, to just let it sit as it is and not even attempt to redefine it so it brings more meaning and leads to more intentional actions in the future.
It is in this movement of back and forth that my soul pushes me, gently but firmly, and won’t let me off the hook until I commit to stand up and make amends to vow to do better. Because I always can.
This year, I have committed to a daily blog in English to participate in @imabima’s project of Elul. I will dedicate my endeavor for the רפואה שלמה complete healing of מרדכי אלעזר בן חנה מרים (Mordechai ben Chanah).
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