Stuck again

Children playing in the falling snow
Snow Day

 

I am stuck

I am stuck at home on yet another snow day
I am stuck in my head and in my body as I am struggling with yet another bout of severe depression
I am stuck here and there and it feels it is forever
I am stuck not making any decision
and sharing with others just things that are not likely to unstuck me
because I am stuck in being afraid to be even moved from where I am stuck

Because being stuck feels painful but oh so much safer than being on the go
I am stuck in fear and sadness
I am stuck in this terrible place that feels like walls are closing on me
And that the force needed to stop them from doing so is beyond my abilities
I am stuck and it hurts to realize it so it is easier to close everything inside of myself
Not to talk not to share not to move

I am stuck in time that is passing by without me
I am stuck in the sameness of time and words and actions
I am stuck in a dimension that is separate and disconnected
I am stuck in a place that feels it is not in the same dimension and not in the same world as the others I have to interact with
I am stuck in my head and it feels like it is shrunk
I am stuck in a place of emotions that struggle to break free
I am stuck in a very thin place of madness that is scary and lonely

I am stuck despite the intense will and desire to break free
To bring peace to myself so that I can bring peace to others
To share the joy of being alive and to share the gifts that were given to me
In an unique fashion that I have to recognize and not waste
Because now is the time and now is the place
And not what has happened or what will happen
Just what is happening right now
Here and there
Where I am stuck for the time being

 

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Published by

Otir

French blogger in the US writes on cultural differences, disabilities, religion, social media and politics.

4 thoughts on “Stuck again”

  1. And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
    Anais Nin

    Sending you my warmest thoughts, my dear Otir! Spring will bring the time to blossom!

    1. What an appropriate quote! Thank you for sharing it lovely Kine70, it is going to make its way onto my cork board to have it in front of my eyes when needed.

  2. désolée de te lire si douloureuse, …
    ici, le printemps pointe le bout de son nez. Je t’envois les premiers rayons du soleil sur le jardin du luxembourg.
    Bises
    Anne

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